Hi hi.

Happy New Year.

Pssst… is feeling new and refreshed with 2020 resolutions and all that rubbish. No, Pssst… doesn’t want to know how you have been. Wait…you don’t look familiar. Oh yes, how could Pssst… forget? You are new, fresh faced first years. So you have no idea who Pssst… is. Well this is slightly embarrassing.

Pssst… is Pssst…, UP’s favourite spice collector, gossip trader and rumour sharer. But as a first-year, Pssst… supposes that advice would probably be more useful. Ugh. Fine, Pssst… will help. Just this once and begrudgingly! But first, Pssst… needs you to relax. Your nervous energy makes Pssst… uncomfortable. And yes, Pssst… speaks in third person. Get used to it.

To start, ClickUP is a campus. No it is not, Pssst… is just hilarious. And yes Pssst… makes this joke every year, but Pssst… didn’t ask for your opinion. ClickUP is your online saviour and a virtual message board. For goodness sakes, check it every day. Pssst… doesn’t, but you should.

Next, there is no official dress code for varsity. Jazz hands for self-expression. But please, Pssst… personally has no interest in seeing anyone naked. Or barefoot. Pssst… thinks you should also know that there are other gates besides Main Gate. Use them or Pssst… will laugh at you. Pssst… will also laugh if you mess up during O-week.

Pssst… knows this is a time for liver poisoning and social bonding, but be responsible. Pssst… doesn’t think a sex tape looks enticing on a CV. You may also have to face the person you vomited on in Chemistry 110 the next day.

Speaking of subjects and lectures, here are some other pointers from Pssst… Psychology doesn’t help you read minds, test-week will never get better, they don’t let you make potions in the labs (Pssst… has tried), and just complete the monstrosity that is OPU, UPO, YPO? Whatever it is called, just do it. Something equally as revolting is AIM. Go to class, if you want to graduate. Pssst…also wants you to know that there is probably a turf war going on between the cyclists and pedestrians (you will see what Pssst… means) and that taking newspapers from the PDBY humans is compulsory.

Okay Pssst… is tired and has had enough of being nice. You aren’t worth ruining Pssst’s… reputation. Lastly, a reminder that Pssst… is always watching you. Everywhere. All the time. So Pssst… has warned you, try not to duck up. And if you do, Pssst… will be there to tell everyone about it. Until next time. Pssst… has eavesdropping to do, information to trade and rumours to spread.

Pssst… says adieu. xx

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Pssst... lives under the floorboards of the PDBY offices and eavesdrops on all the happenings in the news world. Pssst... is always up to share some tea, of the liquid and shady kinds.