1. “I’m writing a book.” Just because Twilight was written doesn’t mean it was supposed to be published.
  2. “I read Perdeby daily.” We know we’re cool but the jury’s still out on how entertaining Perdeby is the seventh time around.
  3. “I think Features is, like, an opinion column.” Columns are fantastic. When written by qualified, experienced, relevant people whose opinions we care about.
  4. In fact, any phrase that contains the words “I’d like to write a column.” Go ahead, write it. That’s why blogs exist, so people can ignore your opinions en masse.
  5. “The only social media platform I’m really active on is WhatsApp.” This is important to us because it hopefully means you’ll read your messages but this wasn’t the definition of “social media” we were looking for.
  6. “I’m such a Grammar Nazi.” Congratulations, you correct people’s spelling on the internet. That’s like high-fiving yourself in public.
  7. “I’m really into postmodernism.” Take your existentialist views with you when you pass through that hole in the wall that symbolises the door through which you will leave.
  8. “I don’t know how to shoot on manual.” Photographers, cameras are expensive, highly specialised pieces of equipment. Don’t buy a DSLR if you don’t care enough to use it properly.
  9. Perdeby will never be the same again when you hire me.” We appreciate the confidence, but unfortunately our offices will be too small to house your ego.
  10. “I’m applying for the position of Editor.” No you aren’t, you’re going home.
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