“You just don’t get it; he’s so hot, he’s so tall; he remembered something I said weeks ago; he noticed that I changed my nail colour; he wanted to hang out during the day; he kissed me on my forehead; he picked a restaurant for our date and picked me up; he complimented me; he did not get angry when I said no; he is really nice in-person; I swear he is just not photogenic; he’s just a really busy guy; he is such a good kisser (no, you don’t get it, they are so rare these days).” Your friend looks at you with concern and nods her head in agreement, when in actuality she is scheduling an exorcism for you. All of these sad lines, which have been said far too many times, are just the bare minimum. It is time to start looking for more. In a world where grand gestures and genuine effort should define our relationships, there is a growing trend where the bare minimum is not only accepted but praised. Stop praising the things that they are supposed to do, and start looking for someone who does nice things because they genuinely want to make you happy. You should not be feeling as though someone displaying basic human decency is doing you a favour.
What is the bare minimum?
The bare minimum is described as being the least that is needed to survive. It is just enough to keep the relationship afloat, but one party will never be completely satisfied. Love, respect, and genuine effort are the cornerstone values upon which a healthy and fulfilling partnership should be built. These elements should be the norm, not the exception, and they should not be praised as such. When a partner offers respect during conflicts or takes accountability for their actions, it is not an achievement to applaud – it is a baseline expectation.
Commitment and reliability are characterised by actions that indicate the significance that you hold in their life. Conversely, when you are left feeling confused, it is a clear sign that you deserve better and should move on. Effort and consistency show intention and without that, the relationship is empty. They might text you back all day every day, but if none of those texts include plans to see you, their intention is clear: they have none.
It is vital to recognise that mistreatment endures as long as it is tolerated. If you find yourself in this “bare minimum” dynamic, it is a signal to reassess your worth and consider whether the relationship aligns with your desire for respect, love, and genuine effort. Living with a “bare minimum” type of relationship feels like living off of nothing but crumbs – slowly dying. It is a cycle that feeds on your tolerance for subpar treatment, and this is a difficult truth to accept. But a healthy relationship is about so much more than just surviving: it is about thriving in an environment where love and care are abundant, not scarce. The amount of respect that you tolerate indicates the respect that you have for yourself. You are not in control of how the other person feels or how they treat you, but you are in control of how to react to it and how much you tolerate.
Furthermore, just because you are not involved in a serious or committed relationship does not mean that you have to expect this bare minimum treatment either. Reliability, consistency, and honest communication are all things that you should expect from people you are casually involved with. There is no commitment threshold you need to meet before you deserve to be treated with decency.
Why do we accept the bare minimum?
Genuine kindness and basic human decency can feel like rare gems in a generation made up of casual hookups, situationships, and long-term, long-distance, low-commitment, casual girlfriend treatment. Thus, it is no surprise that we elevate the simplest acts of compassion in our romantic relationships. This tendency is especially prevalent among those who have experienced a history of abuse, abandonment, public ridicule, excessive cruelty, or have grappled with low self-esteem. When past relationships or childhood experiences leave a yearning for love and attention, any inkling of kindness can feel like a treasure. We become grateful for the sparse crumbs of affection offered to us, often too afraid to ask for more at the risk of sounding needy and scaring the person away. So, we act grateful for the few crumbs we do get and chalk up our starvation to excessive neediness or dramatics.
The bare minimum is also tolerated in an attempt to understand where the other person is coming from. At that point, it is important to distinguish between sympathy and empathy. While sympathy may entail expressions of concern or pity, empathy goes a step further, requiring us to step into our partner’s shoes and truly understand their perspective. You can be empathetic and not make excuses for their behaviour. You can empathise with their ex cheating on them without giving them a free pass to treat you badly. Unfortunately, there are times when you settle for less than what you truly desire, convincing yourself that “this person isn’t that bad”, or “he has the potential to be great”. You cannot love someone into being a better person. Unless they are paying you a living wage, you are no one’s therapist, life coach, parent, or doormat.
Setting and maintaining clear boundaries play a pivotal role in breaking free from the cycle of accepting the bare minimum. Boundaries communicate how we expect to be treated, and when we lack them, we inadvertently invite others to take advantage of us. Ultimately, it is crucial that we raise the standard for ourselves and, in doing so, attract partners who meet those elevated expectations. By refusing to settle for less, we can transform our relationships into spaces where love, respect, and genuine effort flourish, far beyond the constraints of the bare minimum.
How to spot the bare minimum
Spotting bare minimum behaviour in a relationship can be essential for preserving our self-worth and happiness. Weak communication is a glaring red flag and looks like the following: taking days to answer a simple text message but viewing your social media posts; consistently dodging meaningful conversations or failing to engage in open, honest dialogue; not communicating what they want or what their intention is; making you feel stupid or crazy for bringing up issues or trying to tell them how you feel. This signals a lack of genuine investment in the relationship.
Unreliable behaviour is another telltale sign. A partner who frequently breaks promises or fails to follow through on commitments can leave you feeling undervalued and frustrated. With this behaviour there will rarely be a set plan, and arrangements will be centred around vague, unsure language like “if”’ and “maybe”. But there is actually no “maybe” in their head; they are keeping their options open in case something better comes along. Unreliable behaviour can also look like making plans and cancelling them last minute or never following up on plans you talked about, being affectionate one day and extremely cold the next, or ceasing to see you at times when you used to have a consistent arrangement for dates, talking or meeting up. The valuable lesson to learn here is that no one is ever that busy. If they want to make time to see you or text you back or call you, they will. If they have time to play hours’ worth of video games, go out drinking with their friends, or spend all of their free time in the gym, then they have time to see you and you should not make excuses for them by saying, “They’re busy.”
If they are all over you one week and practically ignoring you the next, get out of there. Someone who is unreliable will never make you feel safe, and you will never be able to trust them. This behaviour ties in with breadcrumbing – the art of offering small, sporadic gestures of affection that create a false sense of security. They give you just enough to keep you hanging on but never enough to satisfy you.
The way they talk to you will tell you a lot about how much they respect you. If they frequently employ condescension or disrespect in their communication, it is a clear indicator of a lack of consideration. If they do not speak to you nicely, withhold compliments, swear at you, or call you names in an attempt to hurt your feelings, move along.
Furthermore, disregarding your boundaries or showing no commitment to maintaining them can erode trust and emotional safety, ultimately revealing their inclination towards the bare minimum. Recognising these signs empowers you to assess your relationship’s health and whether it is time to seek a more fulfilling partnership.
If you are feeling anxious all the time; if you are always unsure of where you stand with your partner; if you do not trust them or do not feel like they trust you; if you consistently feel stupid, crazy, unattractive, or insecure – get out of that relationship. You should feel safe and secure in a healthy relationship and not constantly feellike they have one foot out the door or like they are just passing their time with you until someone better comes along. Now, this can be difficult to identify if you deal with things like anxiety, depression, or trauma from childhood or past relationships. Talk to your friends, family, or a mental health professional and ask about their objective views about the situation. Be honest with yourself about the behaviour you are seeing. Ask yourself whether you would be okay with someone treating one of your friends the way that your partner treats you. If your friends or family all dislike your partner; if you find yourself covering up for your partner or not wanting to tell people the full truth about things they have done to you; or if you find yourself always waiting for things to change and get better – these are all signs that the problems are not just in your head.
How to stop accepting it
Taking steps to stop accepting bare minimum behaviour in your relationships can lead to a more fulfilling and satisfying love life. Knowing your worth is the foundation of this journey; you have to recognise that you deserve love, respect, and genuine effort. Know what you bring to the table: you are funny, interesting, pretty, and kind. You deserve someone who will see that and treat you like the prize you are. Breaking the pattern begins with self-awareness, acknowledging the instances where you have settled for less in the past and committing to change. Acknowledge whether that person was actually right for you or if they were just your pattern. Were they emotionally unavailable, a little mean, non-committal? Did they have mommy or daddy issues? Is this what you actually want, or is this what you have conditioned yourself to seek out? Recognising this pattern and breaking it off is a difficult journey, but the first step is actively wanting more for yourself and cutting off that person who does not serve this purpose. It is not your job to chase them or convince them that they should choose you; you do not need to prove yourself to anyone to obtain the love you deserve.
A non-negotiable list of your relationship requirements is a powerful tool. These are the essential elements you refuse to compromise on, serving as a guiding light in future connections. These non-negotiables do not make you needy; they just indicate that you have high standards and that you know what you want. They protect you from unhappiness. There is nothing wrong with wanting more for yourself, and no matter what you put on that list, there will be someone who will love you enough to do those things for you. If someone thinks that your standards are too high, then they operate from a lower standard and they are just insecure about their inadequacies. Write your non-negotiables on a piece of paper and stick it to your mirror, or keep it on your phone’s notes app. Just make sure that it is easily accessible, refer to it whenever you start seeing someone new, and ensure that your partner keeps meeting these standards throughout the course of the relationship.
Equally important is catching bare minimum behaviour early on. Addressing issues and setting boundaries from the outset can prevent the development of unhealthy relationship dynamics. And if setting those boundaries pushes that person away, they are not worth your time. By following these steps, you can pave the way for healthier, more fulfilling relationships that honour your true worth and potential.
Remember that everything you are craving from a relationship you can actually give to yourself. You can take yourself out on dates, buy yourself flowers (Miley style), cook yourself an elaborate dinner, get yourself little gifts, and light all of the candles in your apartment – just because. Make a real effort to fall in love with yourself. Prioritise taking time for yourself. Listen to therapy podcasts, go for walks, read ridiculously cheesy romance novels, take eccentric bubble baths, get way too into astrology, dye your hair. Just have fun. A relationship should be the cherry on top of an already amazing and fulfilling life. If you feel fulfilled within yourself and take the time to heal your past hurts, then you will be far less likely to accept the bare minimum from an insecure, medium-ugly man with a god-complex and a gaming addiction.
Accepting the bare minimum is keeping you from finding better things. You deserve more than someone who makes you cry, over-analyses everything you do to find faults, displays hot-and-cold behaviour, makes you feel like you are too much, or gives you bare minimum crumbs and expects you to just accept it. You deserve a partner who praises the ground you walk on. It is important to remember that how someone treats you is not an indication of you as a person or how lovable you are but rather speaks to the character of that person.
Jade Fabri
I’m Kirsten, a law student who loves writing, making spreadsheets and consuming an unhealthy amount of caffeine.
I love writing about student issues and current events.