Successful, intelligent, and beautiful, yet still empty. Joan Clayton is the lead of the 2000 sitcom, Girlfriends, which follows the lives of four very different and interdependent adult women. In this friendship, Joan is the anchor, the “mom” of the group. Thus, she opens her home to them… for eight years, rent-free. She lends money when they need it, even covering the monthly payments on a friend’s Range Rover while that friend sits on a secret $500 000 stash. She protects them, yet gets verbally abused by her cheating friend’s husband.
To be loved is to be needed; to be complete is to be of service. Joan, like most self-proclaimed “moms” of the group, consistently compromises herself for the sake of her girlfriends. However, this is what she is comfortable with because that means her friends need her and guarantees that they would never leave her.
Joan Clayton is a case study in how people-pleasing creates toxic dependency, breeds hidden resentment, and ultimately transforms a “good friend” into a controlling one. In “The Psychology Behind People Pleasing”, a people-pleaser is defined as a person who disregards their own needs to please others. How do you know whether you are a people-pleaser? Do you just agree with whoever is in front of you? Do you say sorry five times too many, even though you are right? Do you have no personal boundaries and never advocate for yourself? These are just some of the characteristics you can spot in your own behaviour, and no one ever has the same cause. While each person’s root cause is different, they are linked to a variation of either a trauma response or emotional dependency. Joan’s first real confrontation comes early and from a professional. In season two, she lies to her therapist about cutting off her friend Toni, then keeps her sessions secret when Toni demands that she stop. This portrays her as people-pleasing because Joan would rather deceive both of them than disappoint either.
When a person consistently says “yes” when they want to say “no”, the body and mind keep score. This can lead to unexpected outbursts that leave your friends surprised. Joan loses her lifelong best friend because of an outburst that Toni thought was simply over borrowed shoes. This is because Joan never previously communicated the boundaries that were crossed over the course of her friendships. Even after reconciling, their friendship was over for good because Joan finally “chose herself”, a jarring turn perceived as selfish rather than as the expected compromise.
How do you choose yourself without losing your friends? Clinical psychologist Dr Adam Borland advises in “Signs You’re a People-Pleaser – and How To Stop” that you have to start small and stay kind to yourself. Long-term habits can’t be changed overnight. Recognise people-pleasing behaviour and consistently check in on yourself. Set limits and communicate in the moment, never letting things fester.
True friendship isn’t sustained by how much you serve. It is sustained by shared vulnerability and clear boundaries.
Visual: Kyra
