BERND FISCHER

It is often said that university is supposed to be the time when you “find yourself”. While on the road to finding yourself, you will encounter alcohol. Lots of it. There’s no point in denying the drinking culture that makes up a large part of varsity life – we all like to have fun and when is a better time to blame your irresponsible ways on your youth? Still, there are limits, so it’s best to make an attempt not to ruin the experience for everyone. Unfortunately, not everyone who drinks is so considerate, just like the drunks listed below.

The overly affectionate drunk

It only takes a few drinks for this drunk to start their shameless worship of you. It often starts innocently with a friendly smile thrown your way, followed by a conversation about general interests. You may find this perfectly normal. However, in some cases, you’re in for a surprise. The conversation can quickly turn to their labelling you as their “best friend forever” (despite the fact that you only met five minutes ago), or you may find yourself with their tongue down your throat before you have even properly introduced yourself. Perdeby isn’t entirely sure whether these drunks are looking for someone to date (read: turn into a sex slave) or whether they are just lonely creeps who have never had any friends. Ever. All that is known about them is that they’re weird. Also, be careful that these happy campers don’t slip something into your drink. Before you know it, you could be waking up in a cabin where you’re forced to spend eternity with them and their 34 cats (who also happen to be sex slaves).

Can be overheard saying: “Everyone is sexy. I love you guys so much.”

The angry drunk

In short, these kinds of drunks just want to “f*ck sh*t up”. Often, the “sh*t” they are referring to might just be your face. And no, it doesn’t really matter to them whether you actually did anything wrong or not. You probably just happened to make eye contact with their girlfriend for a split second while you were looking for your friends over at the bar. It’s best to walk away before they start a fight. Warning: be on the alert when turning around since these drunks are known to be irrational. You could have a chair or two thrown at your head as you leave.

Can be overheard saying: “Come at me, bro!”

The slutty drunk

Yes, this does apply to men as well. However, girls who become slutty drunks are probably easier to spot. If they are not as easily identifiable as How I Met Your Mother’s infamous “woo girls”, then the next best place to come across these lovely ladies would be on the stripper poles (making their daddies proud) in DropZone. Anyone, regardless of how innocent they may seem, can be a closet slutty drunk. The naughty librarian stereotype exists for a reason, doesn’t it?

Can be overheard saying: “Woooo!” or “I’m not wearing any underwear.”

The tearful drunk

We all know one of these. And they’re very annoying. Not only because they have an ugly crying face like Kim Kardashian, or the fact that you know that deep down all they’re doing is trying to get attention from anything that breathes (yes, also like Kim Kardashian). Mainly, these Debbie Downers simply ruin the mood for everyone. The worst part is that they cry over the most irrelevant things. And even if they have a legitimate reason to be crying, we don’t care. Just go home.

Can be overheard saying: “Nobody loves me because I’m 1,3kg overweight.”

The hot mess drunk

These drunks can turn any evening into a (puke-filled) nightmare. They are usually easily identified by their overconfident behaviour when it comes to alcohol. Also, if the night has only just begun and they are already missing a shoe, take this as an obvious warning sign. In Pretoria, these drunks are often found passed out in Hatfield Square. The more inconspicuous (or as they’d like to believe, the more experienced) of this kind have found a hands-on approach to hide the fact that they are one drop away from alcohol poisoning. Instead of getting sick in front of everyone on the dance floor (what an unladylike thing to do), these pros throw up in their handbags. Classy. Please don’t encourage these people to drink more. Unless you want to be the one driving them home. In your car.

Can be overheard saying: “I always keep a spare handbag with me.”

Photos: Hendro van der Merwe

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