Good morning, I am Dr Bare-Leepast. Oh, you want a good remedy for first-year flu? Just pass and get to second-year. Forget about going to Dischem – the only flu shot you need is tequila. It is low in calories, high in probiotics, and it will warm you right up. Having more alcohol than water in your bloodstream will get you through the day. Ah yes, and your hangover? For that, we turn to the restorative therapy of Doechii and JJ Tabane: denial. Deny, deny, deny, and it will somehow all go away. It is a river that exceeds any medical curatives. Oh, you have a headache as well? That is probably due to excessive studying. I am prescribing you a chill pill. Your brain is a highly-functional organ – you do not need to revise, take notes, or even pay attention. How do you think I got here? Certainly not by studying. I had a mentor – Dr Chat. No, not Dr Chaterjee. I mean GPT.
For your back pain, I recommend taking fewer books and pens to school. That will definitely take the pressure off your back and place it on your grades instead. If you have trouble sleeping, why not go jolling? You will be so defeated at the end of the night that you will basically come home concussed.
If your mental health is rapidly declining, it is crucial that you inhale a daily reminder: so is everyone else’s. Suck it up and thug it out. If you need a pick-me-up, campus has more than enough sweet treats available, and that is so much more important than budgeting.
Furthermore, my dearest patient, as Game of Thrones’ Jon Snow emphasises: winter is coming. Cuddle season is approaching, and with Pretoria weather’s mood swings, you are going to need a bae to keep you warm during those cold days. According to your charts, you seem to be lacking in that department. Our official diagnosis? Dateability deficiency. You can take shela supplements – I will write up that prescription for you as well.
As medical professionals, we are aware that you have to cook on a budget. So do not shy away from unrestrained amounts of slap chips, kotas, or any other fast foods. They will do wonders for your budget and declare wars on your stomach. Of course you can combat that with exercise, so walking from AE du Toit to the Agricultural Annex will do the trick.
Anyways, it was nice of you to visit. Come back soon. Oh, what was it that you wanted again? A sick note to skip a semester test? I hope the medical bill did not wreck your student budget
