There is a fine line between love and lunacy, and we have all been guilty of dancing that line. If you have ever found yourself analysing unanswered text messages as if they are the Rosetta Stone, then congratulations: you have probably met limerence.
Coined by American psychologist Dorothy Tennov and further explored in her book Love and Limerence, limerence describes the state of obsessive infatuation when you idealize someone completely. It is the gut-churning cocktail of obsession and infatuation that makes you feel tipsy, blurring the line between fantasy and reality. It makes rational human beings believe that destiny has personally intervened in their love lives, even though destiny, inconveniently, has not texted back.
Let’s talk about what happens when Cupid gets high off of his own supply. When you place someone on a pedestal and they start becoming a projection rather than a person, usually in your own emotional screenplay, this means you are not in love with them. You are, rather, in love with the idea of being loved by them.
And so begins the mental symphony. Every message is decoded like a sacred text. With every smile, you hear wedding bells chime in your head. Every moment of silence causes psychological warfare to break out. When limerence enters the room, logic leaves. It becomes a dopamine party-for-one, and it always ends with an emotional hangover.
The question is: how do you know if you are experiencing limerence? Here are some of the warning signs:
- Your phone becomes an altar. You obsessively check for notifications like a pilgrim waiting for a revelation in the middle of nowhere.
- Your imagination works overtime. You have already planned the wedding and the honeymoon even though you have only been on two dates (or none).
- You seek comfort in the fantasy, so reality feels optional. You are not dating them; you are dating the version of them you have constructed in your mind (who, by the way, is generally always kinder, more attentive, and definitely more emotionally available).
- Their eyes reflect your self-worth. If they look at you or even acknowledge your existence, you feel radiant. If they do not, you start to question your self-worth or, better yet, you disappear completely.
- You confuse anxiety with chemistry. Those butterflies? That is not passion. That is your cortisol filing a complaint!
People often fall harder for the fantasy than they do for reality because our brains are romantic con-artists. When someone triggers your unmet emotional needs, whether it be validation, safety, or a sense of belonging, our neural reward systems go haywire. Dopamine floods our circuits, turning rationality into collateral damage. But reality? Reality is messy. People have flaws, bad haircuts, and conflicting schedules. Fantasy never disappoints. Fantasy always texts back. Fantasy does not argue about whether you fell asleep on the call or not.
Limerence thrives off of uncertainty – the maybes, the what ifs, the one day. Once reality sets in, fantasy packs its bags and disappears, muttering something about “creative differences”. According to the Cleveland Clinic, limerence is, neurologically, almost indistinguishable from addiction. The same reward pathways that light up when you experience limerence also light up when someone is high on cocaine. This explains why Tannov once described it as “a state of mind [that] is intrusive, involuntary, and difficult to control”. Translation: your brain is basically playing the romance slot machine, convinced that the next emotional jackpot is just a smile away. When the object of your affection reciprocates your feelings, your dopamine levels spike. When they do not, your dopamine levels still spike because your brain is addicted to the possibility of a reward. That is why limerence feels intoxicating: it is basically hope on steroids.
However, the way to recover from limerence is not swearing off romance. It is about learning to tell the difference between compulsion and connection. Here are a few steps to guide you:
- Reality Check: Write down who the person actually is, not who you imagine or want them to be. (Friendly tip: include the red flags!)
- Distraction Therapy: Pour that obsessive energy into something productive like therapy, a new hobby, or figuring out how to play sudoku.
- Connection Rehab: Build emotional intimacy with people who are actually present and not just people who are starring in your latest mental rom-com.
- Detox the Dopamine: Take a step back from the dopamine triggers – the social media stalking, endless what-if scenarios, or even fantasising about whether or not you should have a boy first so they can protect their little sister.
Real love does not have the dizzying rush of limerence. It is slower, steadier, and, oftentimes, more cinematic. It is not fireworks, it is a fireplace. Like a breath of fresh air, limerence preaches about how you have found “the one”. Love tells you that you have found someone human, your cup of tea, and that is infinitely better. So, next time your heart races over a potential romance, ask yourself: is it Cupid, or is it just Cupid on Crack?
