One of the real deaths for a woman is the discomforting, annoying, and very disappointing orgasm gap – much like the pay gap but with a way wider disparity. Not only are women unnerved, persecuted, and shortchanged economically, but also sexually. The orgasm gap is the disparity between women and men experiencing orgasms during heterosexual sex.
According to The Conversation, 95% of straight men almost always orgasm when sexually intimate, and yet straight women sit at a shocking 65% while lesbians often fare better at a not-so-surprising 86%. So the questions that are so masochistically begging to be answered are: why are women not orgasming, and how can we ensure that she crosses the finish line out of breath and with a satisfied smile on her face and yours?
Approximately 92% of women orgasm when doing it themselves, according to Grace Wetzel (Postdoctoral Research Fellow at the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University School of Public Health) and Diana Sanchez, PhD (Social Psychologist and Associate Professor at Rutgers University). But you do not need science to tell you that – she will tell you that herself. Nonetheless, statistically, you are more likely to orgasm when you do it yourself than if a man does it for you, even if he is driven with the intent to do so.
Today, most sex education is informed by the trusty sources of PornHub, unexaggerated stories from your boy, clips on Twitter, and Netflix’s 365 Days. When watching Avengers, did you really believe Chris Hemsworth zapped the Chitauri with lightning? No. It was performance, acting, CGI, and editing. Pornography is just the same. Performed pleasure, staged satisfaction, and acted attraction does not portray the raw realities of sex (pun intended). The Conversation also notes that 4% of women orgasm from penetration alone, while 96% finish from clitoral stimulation, which completely dismantles the idea that putting it in is getting everything out of it. The clitoris has over 8 000 nerve endings and over 8 types of orgasms, so the possibilities and potential are not bound by handcuffs but are rather infinite, and understanding women’s sexual anatomy is one YouTube video away.
So if penetration is not the one-way ticket to an orgasm then that means you have to get creative with the journey, and there are many, many ways to do that. The journey is as important as the destination so diversifying is the right road to take. Talk dirty to them, explore different erogenous zones, have non-judgemental conversations, upgrade your foreplay game, try out different kinks. Sexual fantasies are more common than you think – they might also want to roleplay Batman and Catwoman, you never know.
In university, we are surrounded by a cornucopia of people who have done “stuff”, done nothing, done it, and done nje, so it is particularly difficult to find common ground in these cases. One very strong recommendation I can give you is to watch Netflix’s The Principles of Pleasure, a three-episode docu-series on almost everything about women’s pleasure that you need to know.
Another recommendation to women who are experiencing the BS effects of the orgasm gap is a reminder that an orgasm is not necessitated by a man. There is no shame in trying sex toys… or, if you are keen, other women. To the bros – my recommendation is that if you want to be sexually active, be active in understanding her body as much as your own. Remember, pleasuring your partner is quite the pleasure in itself – try it out. Everyone deserves to orgasm and enjoy, so equal prioritisation produces a win-win scenario.
The last recommendation is an open discussion before, and even during, to discuss who likes what, how they like it, and where they like it. Do not be scared to ask your lover questions. At the end of the day, we all prefer to orgasm after a conversation than to fake that you have finished. Results may be orgasmic.
Visual: Mila Jordaan
