1. Billy Ray Cyrus. Even though he subjected the world to “Achy Breaky Heart”, you have to feel sorry for the guy. Not many people are so bad that they deserve to see their daughter twerking. Even fewer people deserve to see their daughter twerking with giant teddy bears and foam fingers.
2. Ben Affleck. Imagine that your last movie wins three Oscars and five Golden Globes. Then you are cast as Batman and everyone only remembers Gigli. That can’t be easy.
3. African News Network 7 (ANN7). We don’t have enough space for all the jokes we have.
4. Prince Harry. Poor Harry got snubbed as baby Alistair’s godfather. Maybe Harry got off lucky. Partying naked in Vegas is probably a lot less fun with godchildren to worry about.
5. Mamphela Ramphele. No one likes losing millions.
6. People in Cape Town. It’s spring here, it’s snowing there. Sorry Capetonians, but you already have the sea and wine farms and Table Mountain. You can’t have everything.
7. Ben Johnson. Johnson provided a handy definition of delusions of grandeur the other day by telling BBC that he easily could have beaten Usain Bolt if the two had competed against each other. Not that he is going to prove it by actually racing against Bolt or anything.
8. The Zimbabwean man who used a poster of Robert Mugabe as toilet paper. You can’t say what you think about the free and fair elections out loud, so you might as well show what you think about it, right? Wrong. You’ll still get arrested.
9. William Shakespeare. The Bard of Avon invented a few of the English language’s words. He now has to rest in the knowledge that these are now in the (online) dictionary alongside “selfie” and “FOMO”.
10. Amanda Bynes. Her doctors want her to be hospitalised until the end of the year, but she’s more focused on getting a record deal. Psychiatric institutions tend to get in the way of those.
