CHARLOTTE KEURIS AND PHILILE NTOMBELA

The year 2009 was packed with sporting glory and scandal alike. Perdeby takes a look at – and, of course, gives due credit to – the not-so-good, some of the bad, and definitely the what-were-they-thinking moments of the year…

 The Liar Liar award:

This award is graciously bestowed upon the Athletics South Africa (ASA) president, Leonard Chuene, for having tried to cover up the Caster Semenya gender tests. If you plan on lying to your country and the sporting world, perhaps a better plan of action should be in place.

 The Overall Dumbass award:

Perdeby speculates that Lewis Hamilton got his driver’s licence in a lucky packet. Or maybe he just has performance anxiety (wink, wink).

In 2007, he was set to be the first rookie to win the F1 Grand Prix, and was close to achieving this. Instead, he crashed his car in a race and, alas, the dream was lost. Furthermore, the so-called “Liargate” scandal used Hamilton as a prop to keep F1 ratings up. This is why he wasn’t even fired or suspended in the end. Shame, at least Hammy still has his good smile, bleached teeth and a Pussycat Doll to show for his failure – well, not anymore.

 The Red Light award:

Joost van der Westhuizen’s sex tape scandal was everywhere. Granted, Perdeby doesn’t really care about publicity stunts used by ageing former rugby players and their famous-for-being-famous wives. All Joost needs to know is this: if the red light is flashing, the camera is recording. Now go forth and multiply – preferably in private.

 The “When the Going gets Tough, the Girl gets Naked” award:

Take it from the famous “Madejski Streaker”: when all methods of finding a man have failed, just streak naked across a field during a soccer match. With so many men in one place, chances are there will be one drunk enough to take you home. For this los demonstration, the “Madejski Streaker” receives this special award from Perdeby. And kudos for waxing, lady!

 The Rugby Fashion Muse award:

The Lion’s prop, Adam Jones, deserves not only this award, but also a gold star and a noddy badge for starting a profound chain of events. Jones was charged by Bakkies Botha during one of the matches in the Lion’s Tour and consequently left the field with a dislocated shoulder. Botha was then handed a two-week ban from all games. The Springboks, who needed a dose of awesomeness after the loss of good ol’ Botha, designed arm bands with “Justice 4” printed on them. The South African Rugby Union (SARU) was then fined for allowing these armbands. Jealousy makes you nasty, eh? Well, Perdeby is sure the Boks have a future in the fashion industry. And they have Mr Jones to thank.

 The John Robbie award:

This award goes to (you guessed it) John Robbie! There are no epithets to describe Robbie, except maybe that he has a first name for a surname. Perdeby also enjoys chuckling at his lingual faux pas, such as “The Youtube”, and “Furore” (which he pronounces as “Furouray”). These are only a few examples of Robbie’s multi-national influences. It’s a good thing that when he was busy being one of the only rugby players in the world to have played for three different countries, South Africa put him on the bench and gave him time to invent catch phrases for Talk Radio 702.

The “That’s not Where I Parked my Boat” award:

Oscar Pistorius is a strictly terrestrial creature. He runs … on land. He receives medals and awards … on land. He crashes a boat and is, therefore, investigated for reckless driving and negligence … Oh, wait, that wasn’t on land! Heed our warning Oscar: stay away from the water, and stick to the racetrack.

 The Philosopher of the Year award:

This highly coveted award is presented to the man with a million phrases – Peter de Villiers. In his honour, we present four of his best sayings. Here goes:

“If we want to eye-gouge any Lions, we will go down to the bushveld like we do and eye-gouge them there.”

“I won’t change my style, if I change my style I will change Peter de Villiers, and then I would have to tell God that he made a mistake when he made me.” – Peter de Villiers: the new rugby brand name.

“Ja, you know. Morgan Newman has been in form his whole life.” – Ja, you know … Wait, what?

“There’s little difference between winning and losing, except [that] you feel better after winning.” – And when you win, you don’t lose. Just throwing it out there.